Crazy Mixed Up Christmas
by AkaWarai
Summary: FIXED...In which Kenshin has a disagreement with a certain bird, Aoshi gets the strangest gift of his life, and Yahiko is left to fight off Akabeko's latest invader.


Hey, this is the author! I just wanted to say sorry about having a Christmas themed fic up two days after Christmas, so I'm not going to make any excuses. Please forgive me commits seppuku for fanfic readers Enjoy

XXXXX

The small, red-haired Himura Kenshin sat shivering at the laundry tub he'd put out in the yard. Steam poured out of the tub in a plethora of curls, pleasant on the rurouni's skin. He was savoring the hot water he had immersed his hands in, a nice contrast to the frost and thin snow that had built up around him and in his long hair.

"This one should really hurry and get started on the cooking." He said out loud to himself. Tonight, Kaoru had decided to throw a Christmas Party in the dojo. Not for the sake of western holidays, but just because she had felt like throwing a party, although she had done some research on the holiday just for the spirit of it.

Kenshin dumped the finished laundry in the basket and wrung his hands out in the cold air, then wiped them on his magenta gi. He pulled a folded list out from within the gi and read it. Kaoru had wanted to use traditional western Christmas food for the party, instead of the tofu and onigiri they normally had, so she had modified some recipes slightly, to make shopping for the ingredients easier in the bustling Tokyo market. He shoved the list back inside his gi, and then went off to find some wood for the kitchen. He picked out a few choice pieces, gathered it up into a bundle in his arms, and carried it and the laundry back into the dojo.

He walked in and couldn't help smiling at the sight of Sanosuke and Yahiko sprawled on the ground fighting over a piece of garland. An exasperated Kaoru and Megumi were busy trying to pull the two apart, yelling at them while they did so.

Kenshin walked into the kitchen and carefully set the wood into the oven and lit it, and then returned to the other room.

"Kaoru-dono, you really shouldn't be fighting." He sighed in an amused way as he put his hands under her arms and lifted her up.

"The Rooster started it!" Megumi and Yahiko shouted in unison, pointing at a betrayed and hurt-looking Sano.

Before Sano could even say what he wanted to, Kenshin chimed in. "How about Megumi-dono and Yahiko work over here, and then Kaoru-dono and Sano can work over there?" the rurouni asked hopefully. After a few minutes, it was apparent that this would probably work, even though Sano and Megumi were still persistent in calling each other names from across the room.

"This one really is getting too old to play peacekeeper." Kenshin muttered to himself in an amused way once he got back into the kitchen and started cooking

XXXXX

Meanwhile, a hyperactive Misao was tackling the duty of wrapping presents for Kaoru. She was told to keep it down, as no one but Megumi and Kaoru could find out that she was here, but she was having fun nonetheless.

"I'm surprised that Aoshi-sama isn't here yet, even if he did leave a day later than me." She mused quietly to herself. "That job he had to do must've taken longer than he expected."

She returned to focusing on the task at hand: cutting the paper to wrap the gifts in. It was much tougher than regular paper, almost fabric-like, to keep from ripping. It seemed Kaoru had wanted to make sure none of the gifts could rip; she'd insisted on giving Misao some heavy-duty duct tape. Not that Misao minded, she was actually rather enjoying the challenge. Next, she started laying out the tape pieces.

"Well, since I really don't know how much I will need…" she began as she started cutting up the remaining tape with her kunai and leaving it in places on the floor. Misao turned out to be quite proficient at wrapping the gifts, and before long, she was ready to tackle the most difficult one: something in an oblong shaped box that was meant for Aoshi. She had left more than enough paper and tape lying about, so she was ready to go.

She moved towards the large box, when she noticed that her feet were stuck in a twisted mess of the paper, sealed with tape. She squirmed and turned over, trying to reach up and cut it with her kunai. She only succeeded in getting herself trapped up to her thighs in the fibrous death trap.

"What the heck…" she breathed aloud, "This stuff's tougher than I could have imagined. Not to worry though, no match for this ninja!" she reassured herself, attacking the paper again with great gusto. Before long, she was up to her neck in the stuff, an absolute chrysalis of wrapping paper.

"Grr…" she growled softly as she blew a hood of paper away from her face. In a desperate attempt to free herself, she rammed against Megumi's medicine cabinet with her head. The door opened, and a bottle fell and broke against the wood floor, making a soft clinking sound.

"Okina always said I was a master with traps, but this is ridiculous! And now that lady's gonna be mad at me for wasting her medicine." She inhaled deeply through her nose.

"Wait! That's not ordinary medicine!" she exclaimed loudly before passing out, accidentally sealing the paper-hood with tape over her head.

XXXXX

Kaoru slid open the back door quietly, sneaking swiftly back to the room she'd left Misao in hours earlier, her feet padding softly across the floor.

"Misao did a great job!" Kaoru exclaimed, looking around the room. "Except this one…I think it's for Aoshi." She said, shoveling the large cocoon of paper into a red sack with the other gifts. "You know, I expected her to be extra careful wrapping his."

She began dragging the bag down the hall and out the back door. "I wonder where she went anyways." She whispered as she wiped a bead of sweat off of her forehead. She left the bag on the porch and peeked into the shed.

"Hey! Come here for a second!" she hissed into the darkness, "Are you warm enough in there?" she asked politely as a young man came walking over.

"I'm fine. But don't you just hate it when people use blackmail?" he spoke calmly and quietly, with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah." She said as she dragged the bag up to the shed. "I'm sure you'll live. And don't worry, I'll give it back when you're all done." She added with a wink and an evil look in her eye. "Now start getting ready and wait by that window over there. The signal's gonna be three quick knocks against the window." She started to leave. "By the way, you haven't seen Misao have you?"

XXXXX

"Whew, that took forever!" Yahiko sighed as he collapsed against the wall.

"Yeah, I'm beat." Megumi managed as she sank down next to him.

"Yep, we did good." Sano looked around. "And as long as Jo-chan's not around, I'm gonna go get a drink." He added with a smirk as he started off towards the kitchen.

"If you get drunk don't think I'm keeping quiet!" Megumi yelled after him.

Sano continued his walk into the kitchen, but was greeted by a disturbing sight: Kenshin wielding a butcher's knife over the long-done turkey. His spirit was so strong that when Sano tried to slip by him, a few locks of his dark hair fell to the floor.

"Kenshin? Is everything alright?" Sano asked as if anything louder would have caused Kenshin to explode into a fury of Hiten-Mitsurugi right there.

"This bird will not get the better of me, that it will NOT!" Kenshin snarled in reply.

"Sanosuke, please leave me."

_He snarled out me. Snarled. The Kenshin I know can hardly growl! He hasn't had that kind of bloodlust for a long time…_ Sano decided to heed Kenshin's warning, and he darted for the pantry door. As he opened it, he heard Kenshin put down the butcher's knife and unsheathe his Sakabatou. Sano jumped inside and closed the door.

It was pleasantly warm inside the room, with a faint scent of his sake in the air. Sano knew that at the moment, this was the perfect drinking place: warm and no nagging Kaoru in sight. He stuck his arm into the vase he had chosen to hide it in today. He felt around, but got nothing. He removed his arm and curiously lowered his head over the opening. He began carefully moving his head into the mouth of the vase. He carefully wedged his head in just enough so that he could see inside.

"Don't tell me someone stole"

"HITEN MITSURUGI-RYU! KUZU RYUSEN!"

In his surprise at hearing the deranged Kenshin yell, he jammed his head in too quickly.

"Aww crap! He's using the nine-headed dragon!" Sano yelled into the vase. "He wouldn't hurt the others would he? He's in such a state…"

Sano tried to jerk his head out, he felt a painful pressure around his temple, but kept squirming until he felt a small bead of blood run down his face. "I don't have time for this!" he yelled. He desperately began to pull and push. He even tried using mastery of the two layers with his forehead, but it was all in vain.

He was still squirming when he heard the door creak open. A footstep. A small trickle of light was reflected off the inside of the vase, then a shadow. He froze. Waited.

"HITEN MITSURUGI-RYU! KUZU RYUSEN!" Kenshin yelled as Sano yelled "No!" honestly scared at this point. He felt the glass shatter hard against his head and neck.

He opened his eyes and felt the sakabatou directly underneath his chin. He looked up.

"You were told the turkey would not get the best of this one, that it would not." The rurouni put the sword back in its sheath and smiled. He held his hand out to help his friend up. Sano looked at it for a moment; it was covered in what looked like turkey guts. They walked out of the pantry and Sano gaped.

The kitchen looked like a battlefield. Unrecognizable tissues and organs littered the floors and shelves. Sano felt bones crushing under foot. What was still in tact enough to eat, Kenshin had arranged elegantly on a platter.

"Sano, how did you get your head stuck in Kaoru-dono's vase?" Kenshin asked with his usual innocent, blank look.

XXXXX

Kaoru had settled herself down into an exhausted slump on the ground in front of that dojo. The preparation of the party was stressing her out like nothing else. On top of that, she hadn't seen, heard, or even smelled hide or hair of Misao and Yahiko.

"Are you alright Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin had walked up, still tying up his fresh hakama. He had discarded the other one in the laundry tub, soaking out the stains from his latest battle.

"Well, I haven't seen Misao all afternoon, or Yahiko for that matter." Kaoru said slowly.

"This one's positive that Misaos's alright. She's a full-fledged ninja, and she's traveling with Aoshi for that matter, that she is." The rurouni in magenta said confidently to Kaoru.

"Kenshin." Kaoru stood with a very amused smile and grabbed a towel.

"Oro…?"

"You've got…turkey…stuff in your hair!" she managed to say before laughing. She started wiping down his hair, trying to get the turkey out.

"This one got into a disagreement with a certain bird. But he won, that he did."

"What did Sanosuke do?! I thought I heard you yelling 'Hiten Mitsurugi' stuff!"

"No, Kaoru-dono…it was an actual bird." Kaoru still looked very puzzled. "The turkey." He quickly added.

"And about Yahiko, he said he was going out. This one thinks he went to Akabeko again."

"Well that explains a lot." She had just finished cleaning his hair off when a familiar person walked through the gate.

"Aoshi!" Kaoru said, immediately wishing he hadn't walked up. Kenshin gave a polite smile in greeting, Aoshi just nodded his head.

"Did Misao make it alright?" he asked quietly but firmly, looking around the dojo.

"This one thought she was coming with you." Kenshin said, a confused look on his face. Kaoru couldn't help breaking eye contact. Aoshi raised his eyebrow, but said nothing.

XXXXX

"Yahiko-kun!" Tsubame shouted down the hallway of Akabeko. "Yahiko-Kun!"

"Tsubame! Stay out of here!" Yahiko shouted from inside the storage closet. "It's not safe!"

"Yahiko, what's wrong?" Tsubame called, walking up anyways. _He sounds so serious… but if anyone had come in we would have heard them._

She went ahead and walked in. Yahiko was pushing himself against the wall, brandishing a shinai in front of himself. His eyes were wide and he was shaking. Something was obvious wrong.

"That…That demon!" he yelled, pointing his shinai at the wall across from him. Resting on the middle of that wall was a thin, brown spider about the size of a coin. Tsubame immediately pushed herself against the wall, trying to stay as far from it as possible.

"Yahiko-kun! Kill it!"

"I can't…"

"Please!"

Yahiko looked down at Tsubame, who was now trying to hide her face in his shoulder. He looked back at the beast. Then at his shinai.

"If I ever hope to surpass Kenshin, I will HAVE to destroy this demon!" Yahiko muttered. He went to a Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu stance. "I WILL kill that demon!" he yelled.

"YOU WILL DIE!" Yahiko leapt forward, thrusting at the monster. "Aww…" he let loose a string of swear words that could have made even Sano blush, let alone the Tsubame currently at his side. He had just barely missed, brushing it just enough to knock it gently to the wooden floor. It just sat for a moment, but then began furiously scuttling towards Yahiko and Tsubame.

"MOVE!" Yahiko yelled as he pushed Tsubame out the door, the angry spider was rapidly gaining speed. It leapt onto Yahiko's hakama. Forgetting all his Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu training, Yahiko began swiping madly at it. It was slowly and steadily working its way up. Soon, it was at the level of his naval and climbing. All seemed hopeless. "At least I saved Tsubame. I have no regrets and…" he froze mid-sentence. He was suddenly soaked and the spider was sliding around in a puddle on the floor. Yahiko looked up to see a cringing Tsubame stomping madly on it with his shoes.

"Tsubame. What just happened?"

"I didn't want you to have to struggle all by yourself, so I threw some water on it and squished it." She looked up at him once she was completely she it was dead. Her eyes were now brimming with tears. "Yahiko-kun! I really hate spiders!"

_Great. Now the girl who just ruined my pride by saving me is crying. This couldn't get any worse, could it?! _

"Tsubame, how 'bout we start heading over to the dojo for Kaoru-busu's party thing?" he said in an exhausted, stiff voice.

She wiped her eyes. "Ok."

XXXXX

Kaoru was surveying the room one last time. The party had just officially begun around the time a very shaken up Yahiko and Tsubame showed up. Still, there was no Misao.

"I know Misao's been by here, so don't hide it. Don't worry about her; odds are she's just planning some hare-brained scheme." Aoshi whispered to Kaoru.

"Right." She replied. She glanced out the window, and then quickly hit it three times. Aoshi raised his eyebrow. "Bug" she said simply, trying to throw in a convincing smile too, as she showed him the black smear on her hand. He continued giving her that look, and then walked off. "That guy is just too bright for his own good."

XXXXX

"Sano, what's with those cuts on your face?" Yahiko suddenly asked from across the room.

"Rogue pottery."

"No, really, what hap…"

Yahiko was interrupted by the opening door. A young, white-haired man stepped in out of the cold. He was wearing a red hakama and matching kimono. Although the color of his face rivaled the redness of his clothes and contrasted brilliantly with his silver hair.

"Eni…" Kenshin muttered before being interrupted.

"Santa Claus." Enishi muttered darkly.

"What was that?" Sano began with a smirk, already over the surprise of seeing the man who recently wanted to kill Kenshin.

"My name is Santa Claus!" Enishi snarled, thrusting a wrapped gift viciously onto Sano. He continued passing them out in this manner.

"Thank you very much Enishi." Kaoru couldn't help smiling at the sight. She held out an elaborately decorated gift box. He took it and immediately mellowed out. He went over to the corner and sank down.

"There will be NO.MORE.BLACKMAIL." he said firmly to Kaoru, emphasizing the last few words.

He reached into the box and pulled out his sister's diary that Kaoru had stolen. It was wrapped in a light shawl.

"This one forgot he still had that. We thought you'd like it." Kenshin said, in his usual polite, ever-patient voice. Enishi glared towards him.

He got up and went towards the door. Right before he exited, he turned back to look at Kaoru.

"Thank you, sister."

XXXXX

"You can open those gifts you know!" Kaoru yelled at the rest of them once Enishi had left.

Aoshi looked down at the bundle on his lap. Something seemed very wrong and sinister about it to him. _Surely Kaoru wouldn't have…No, I doubt it. _He poked carefully around the bundle. He even bent down to smell it for any strange substance that may have been on it as a "joke". _ Well, I guess the only way to find out is to open it… _He broke out a kunai and started carefully tearing away at the paper. Once he could, he opened up the paper. He gaped for a moment at what was in his lap, and then he cleared his throat,

"I don't know if this is supposed to be a gag gift, but don't you all think you went a little too far?!" he said in the loudest voice they'd probably ever heard him use. Every face turned and gaped for a moment the way he had. An unconscious Misao was lying haphazardly across his lap, still for the most part tangled up in paper. Aoshi couldn't have looked less amused.

"Oh my…" Kaoru gasped, "surely she can't have done this to herself…"

"ORO?!"

"Megumi, this wasn't your idea was it?" Kaoru asked a flabbergasted Megumi.

"Jeez Fox; I never knew you were capable of thinking up something this kinky!" Sano exclaimed with the biggest smirk of the night.

"Shut up! I didn't do this!" the lady-doctor proceeded to beating Sano. "Kaoru, what room was she wrapping the gifts in? I'm going to go check it out. I think she might've accidentally got into something in my cabinet."

"Good going Fox." Sano couldn't help one more comment.

"SHUT UP ROOSTER!

And then as if nothing had happened, Yahiko turned to Kenshin. "Kenshin, how did Sano get all beat up like that?"

"Another time, Yahiko."

XXXXX

The Mibu Wolf, Saitou Hajime, walked slowly and deliberately down the empty, winter street. Hands in his pockets and katana clinking gently at his side, he blended into the scene all too well. He was in deep thought; going over the conversation he had had just shy of an hour ago:

"Sir! We just got a report of a dangerous swordsman in the city!"

"What?!" Saitou leapt up from his paperwork, grabbing his katana that had been leaning against the corner of his desk. "Where?!"

"The man who filed it said he heard someone yell 'Hiten Mitsurugi!', then there was a sound of shattering pottery and a thumping noise from within Kamiya Dojo."

Saitou had collapsed back into his chair when he heard the words "Kamiya Dojo". _There were no strange people reported in the area, unless you counted rumors of Yukishiro Enishi,_ _and he's about as harmless as a wet kitten right now. I guess I can check it out later; odds are it's just the Battousai up to his usual antics. Maybe it'll even give me an excuse to rough him up a little._ "I'll check in on it later."

"Yes sir."

Saitou was now standing outside the dojo, and he could definitely hear something going on, but it sure didn't sound like a threat to the general public. He strolled in and around to the scene. _What the…? This is ridiculous! No, don't laugh in front of the Battousai!_

"So YOU"RE the rat that took my sake!" The small red-head was struggling along with Yahiko to hold back the ex-fighter-for-hire.

"Sano, we do not get angry and try to beat up Kaoru, that we do not." Kenshin was calmly trying to tell his friend.

"There will be NO SAKE IN MY DOJO!" Kaoru was yelling from behind Megumi, who had also stepped in to try and protect Kaoru.

"See Sanosuke Sagara?! I told you that you shouldn't try to drink in the dojo!" the doctor was now yelling.

"Shut up! Stupid fox this is none of your business!"

"I'm stupid?! I'll remember that next time you break your stupid hand!"

Saitou walked up and sat down next to Aoshi.

"What the heck is going on?"

"I don't know anymore." Aoshi returned to his tea. Saitou figured he may as well sit back and watch the show.

"Tsubame! Get me Yahiko's shinai!" Kaoru yelled over to a confused Tsubame that was standing near the door. She ran inside and then brought it back out to Kaoru, who was fighting in the snow. Kaoru quickly proceeded to beating Sano about the head.

"Oooorooorooo!!"

"Great job Sanosuke! You made me hit poor Kenshin!"

"Did not!"

Once it was clear to Kenshin that he was no longer in danger of death-by-rooster, he walked away from what was turning into a brawl, shook some ice out of his hair, and sat down across from Aoshi and Saitou.

"What brings you here Saitou?"

"Rumors of someone causing chaos inside the dojo with Hiten Mitsurugi." Aoshi turned his attention onto the conversation.

"Oh, this one just ran into a disagreement with a bird." Kenshin smiled his goofy grin.

"What did Sagara do?!"

"No, it was a REAL bird!"

XXXXX

Misao opened her eyes and realized she was lying on the futon. She sat up and realized that she had a throbbing headache and that the moon was shining in through the window.

"How long have I been asleep?!" she yelled as she stumbled down the hall. "Kaoru-san!"

She stumbled towards the door. "Himura!"

She tripped on her way out the door; Aoshi prevented her from falling all the way with his arm.

"Aoshi-sama, when'd you get here?" she said as she curled her legs up under her.

"So, are you feeling better, Misao-dono?"

"Yeah, but I still don't understand what happened."

"That's alright; we don't know how you were given as a gift either."

Saitou abruptly stood up, "Im leaving before I get mixed up in your weird games, Battousai. First you mutilate a bird and now _this. _"

"Alright. Bye Saitou."

Misao settled herself against the wall. She breathed in deeply and sighed. Somehow the antics of her friends and the sight of Kaoru, Sano, Yahiko, and Megumi beating each other black, blue, and red in the snow was screaming Christmas Spirit to her. She drifted back off into sleep.

The end.

Happy Holidays!


End file.
